I'm finding now, reasons why:

I was unhappy:  I was emotionally disconnected,  I couldn't openly communicate my feelings to my wife.  I was completely unaware of myself.

I was relying on my wife to make to me happy:  I thought making her happy would make me happy, and instead, I drug her down by putting more pressure on her.

I had no boundaries:  I was controlling everything.  Completely paranoid of my wife and her abilities.  This is part of a bigger problem of my accountability.  Which I had none.  I thought I was justified and it was my duty to police.  It drove me nuts, I was guilted with worry and tired with the hard work of it.  I believed I was giving just as much as my wife, but I was suffocating her and making her feel inadequate.  She wasn't, not in the least: I owe everything to this woman for keeping it together.  But, she wasn't.  She was slowly dying inside.  I had been living in a dream world.

I had the wrong mindset:  I told myself I could love my wife and still go through with it.  It could happen and she would never know.  I didn't love this other person.  My life was with my wife and my children and nothing would ever change that.  I would forget it.

These are not excuses, what I did was wrong.  This is not my wife's fault.  It is 100% mine.  I caused and allowed it to happen.

January 18th, 2013 5:18 PM

Incoming Call - Wife:  "I know everything, I know you slept with her."

I then had one of the hardest days of my life, well at least I thought so at the time.  I picked up the children and went home to an empty house.  Going through the motions of parenthood without her, my wife for nearly ten years.  I waited by anxiously by my phone, after I tucked the kids in.  She was courteous enough to reply back to my texts.  We are to be apart, and rightfully so.  I have devastated her and caused the biggest blow to the ego you could endure.  I pursued and eventually slept with another woman.

I willingly involved myself, lied, and gave an outsider more attention than my family, but why? Why would I sabotage myself? Am I that unhappy?


Yes.